Are they a good baby?

“Is she good?”
“Huh?”
My confused face caused the stranger to repeat the question. I mumbled something in reply, though I can’t recall what, but I was struck by how odd a question it was to ask about this tiny little thing. Can a baby be good? Or even bad? I’d never even thought about it, but the question came often in the following days and weeks, often from older generations.

What did good even mean? Good as in well-behaved? Good as in ticking all the developmental milestones? I soon realised that something more was being implied. A good baby is one that sleeps lots, cries little and feeds at timed intervals. A good baby is one that slots easily into my life with minimal disruption. The type of baby that doesn’t wail in cafes or on trains disturbing those around them. A good baby is… not my baby then.

Had I thought I could have a baby like that? Probably. Damn, I even thought it wouldn’t change my life too much. That I’d still go out and watch loads of TV, listen to music and generally keep abreast of culture. It’s sort of funny now that I think about it.

Where did this language around babies being good come from? It sounded like something from parenting books written long ago, the type that might also suggest your baby is manipulating you if they cry. But even some of the modern ones talked about it. After seeing it once, I suddenly saw it everywhere, and it made me want to throw those books out the window.

Another thought occurred to me… if my baby doesn’t fit this ‘good’ mould, what does it say about me as a mother? Am I bad or somehow just not trying hard enough? Should I be ‘training’ her to be better? In those anxious early weeks of my baby’s life, these thoughts swirled around my head as I berated myself for not trying harder to make her fit the books’ suggestions..

The more I read, the more I wondered if I had asked the question to new parents. The thought made me cringe and I consigned it to the litany of regrettable things I had said in my childless naivete.

So how to reply? I made the mistake on the first few encounters of saying she was a lovely baby, but that the sleep was terrible. This invited a barrage of unwanted advice. I soon learnt to just say she was fab and change the subject.
Others have been snappier. On social media, I saw various retorts, including:
“Yes she hasn’t committed any crimes yet.”
“Yes, she wakes and feeds frequently as newborns tend to do. She’s great!
And my favourite:
“No.”

I wonder if this type of question will ever go away. It’s happening less as my baby gets older so maybe it’s a newborn thing. When I look at her, I think she’s delightful in lots of ways. She’s happy and playful most days. OK, she doesn’t sleep well, but I feel lucky – and that makes her good to me.